Reel Review Mom

I’ve watched/read many a horror story. This is not my first rodeo, as we like to say here in the South. I would like to highlight some criteria that are common to hauntings. This list is essential for your well-being. It’s not just for me… It’s for you, your family, your well-being, free of charge. Please follow, for your health (that’s a Steve Brule reference, LOL) You’re welcome. 😛

• Do not have a basement.
• Do not have an attic.
• Do not move into a house/reside in a house with other people’s crap in the basement or attic. Throw it out. Call 1-800-Got Junk. Get rid of it. Don’t risk your safety.
• Do not have multiple floors in your house. Single-story home only (for your health). If you must have multiple stories, do not have one of those creepy stair/rail climby things.
• If per chance you have a house with multiple stories, & someone calls you upstairs,  have a code word/number like ‘823’ SO, you know they’re really calling you up there and it’s not like some poltergeist instead. Change it up daily.
• Do not have more than three young children residing in your house at a time. This is important.
• Do not have a furnace.
• Do not take in old furniture that’s not yours…
• Flashlight. Batteries. Flashlight. Batteries. You see where I’m going with this sh*t?  Do it. Mantra!
• Do not take a bath in a bathtub with claw feet. Actually I’m just going to throw it out there; just don’t take a friggin’ bath. Take a shower like a regular, grown person.
• I’m sorry for this, but, do not be of the Catholic religion. I’m just going with statistics here people this is not me being discriminatory, I promise.
• Do not attempt to read Latin, out loud, especially.
• Do not allow anyone to engage in creepy music singing/playing. Do whatever you need to do to shut them the hell up! Modern music only. You know just to be safe, let’s also just say don’t play the piano.
• Have real keys and know your keys. Don’t be surprised by suspicious, weird keys from the 18th century. Let’s not do that. Let’s be modern people. Invest in modern methods to safeguard your house like Nest, biometric, fingerprint, etc.
• Do not, and I will emphasize this again, do not, have creepy freaking children’s toys such as baby dolls, weird carousels from the 1880’s, etc… Don’t friggin’ do it.
• Lock your doors.
• Tame the wild trees and branches that lean upon your house. Secure your windows.
• KNOW your neighbors. And be suspicious of them if you need to be.
• Do not rely upon a rotary phone for safety. Also, if the phone rings and you answer it, and you don’t know the person on the other end of the line and they’re creepy, do not engage in further dialogue.
• Safeguard your kitchen knives, please, dear Jesus.
• Just eliminate all closets. Use a wardrobe for some external method to store your clothes. If you must use a wardrobe, make sure it’s  not an old fashioned one; a modern one is preferred. I’ll go even as far to say as to buy one from Ikea or Rooms 2 Go. That’s safe.
• Maintain your mirrors. If they’re creepy/broken/cracked/weird, throw them out.
• Do not buy sh*t at yard sales or thrift stores, etc.
• Invest in night lights.
• Do not be a hero and go investigate weird sounds at night without a weapon and a cell phone (not landline). And just to state the obvious, why the hell would you need a landline anyway? Just don’t do that…. Get a damn cell phone, with a 5G network, and get with the program already.
• Make sure you know where the keys to your car are and that you have gas in your automobile. HAVE AN EXIT STRATEGY/PLAN, too.
• If you hear someone screaming do not run to their rescue. It’s too late for them. Safeguard the other loved ones or whatever.
• Lastly, I will reiterate the #1 safety/survival rule as mentioned in the movie Zombieland: Cardio.

I feel like this is a good starting point of what not to do, especially during this very critical period of our lives coming up upon Monday, the 13th, which in my opinion is much scarier than Friday the 13th. So, please safeguard yourselves to prevent you becoming the next horror story.

You’re welcome. 😛👻🎃🧹🧙‍♀️

We have some additions to the list (it’s a work in progress):

• Don’t have too much wood/wood paneling in your house!
• Limit the amount mirrors in your house. And they must be modern, not antique.
• Do not use laundry chutes or “dumb waiters”  in your house.